GET GONE
Has The Time Come That You Realized its Time to Leave?
They say leaving is “easier said than done” emotionally, yes, but actually, getting gone isn't all that hard, especially if you put a plan in place. I am no expert, just an everyday woman offering advice based on my experiences, The things I did and didn't but wished I had.
I want to first begin by saying that if you are in a dangerous situation, GET OUT IMMEDIATELY, plan or no plan. Never hesitate to call 911, escape to a trusted friend. It's best to choose a friend with who your abuser wouldn't consider. Make contact with organizations that can assist you in your area. Never worry about what people will think or say. Don't feel embarrassed or stupid. You will quickly find an abundance of support and the sad reality that you are NOT ALONE.
If you are like so many other women like myself and have found yourself in a toxic and abusive relationship and have left on multiple occasions only to find yourself going back. It's time to make a plan.
Keep Quiet
Keeping your intentions to leave to yourself is crucial. Do not share these thoughts with your abusive partner. By keeping your plans to yourself, you avoid having them convince you to stay. Likely by this point, you already know this, they will either love bomb you, create self-doubt in you by suggesting you wouldn't survive on your own or make a bad situation worst. Whatever tactic they use will only allow you to continue to live in misery.
Talk to only those you can trust, who can help you or guide you in creating your escape. A trusted friend, your parents, a family member or even your employer can be excellent resources for help. Contacting abuse services to learn what is available for you in your area.
Find and Hide Money
Open a private bank account that isn't tracked to your computer keep it on paper if at all possible. Use an alternative address. Explain to the bank your situation, and they will guide you on how best to do this.
Remove your partner from having any access to your accounts when practical. Mine had Power of Attorney on my account, and when I left, he transferred all my funds to his account and left mine empty thankfully, I had been putting money into a secret savings account.
Earning extra money is tricky and hard to hide, especially if you have a joint account and your partner controls the finances. Find odd jobs like babysitting, yard work, house cleaning or borrow with a long-term repayment agreement.
Stash away the loose change that you may find lying around the house or vehicle; you would be surprised how quickly change adds up.
Open a Bank the Rest account. The concept is it rounds up to the nearest dollar you chose; I rounded mine to $5. This account works by rounding up your balance when you use your debit card and automatically deposit it into your savings account. For example, if you purchase a coffee for $2 on your debit card, it will automatically place $3 into your savings. Just like change, this adds up fairly quickly.
Find a place to Live.
Forget your pride when looking for a quick place to rent. Don't worry about the neighbourhood or what amenities they offer. If you can be selective great, but focus on what you can afford and meets your basic needs. You can look for better when you get back on track. Don't be embarrassed you will find that people will be more proud than judgemental of you.
Stay with a friend or a family member; it’s best to stay with someone your partner wouldn't think to find you.
Emergency Exit
Pack that suitcase stashed in the back of your closet or the forgotten gym bag in the basement with a change of clothes, a pair of pyjamas and personal hygiene products. Include in this bag some cash, any identification that isn't regularly used, such as birth certificates, passports and health cards, also any essential documents and keep it hidden and easily accessible.
Get Legal Advice
Contact a lawyer for advice on any legalities. Don't be shy to ask lots of questions. Bring a list of the questions you have so that you don't forget, and Be sure you understand, don't get lost in all the legal mumbo jumbo lingo. They are there to work for you, so if you don't like the direction they are taking, speak up. My advice is to concern yourself with the essential things and avoid making lawyers rich over petty things. Most material things can be replaced and aren't worth fighting over. Be fair with custody arrangements making them a monetary object in a separation can leave lasting mental health effects on the children.
Stay Gone
Tough times don't last. Tough people do. So don't let fear allow you to abandon yourself and return to where you left. Please don't let yourself be convinced by your partner or, worst yourself, that you can't do it; you can. Allow time for the cards to fall into place; remain focused on the reasons you left. Spend time with your children, family and trusted friends. Enroll in an online class, join a book club, get active by creating a simple walking routine. Do what you can to keep yourself busy in positive ways, so you don't fall into the dark pits of your mind.
It will be worth it in the end; as time goes by, the dust will settle, and you will find more peace, your children will be more at ease and happier. Even your ex will eventually find their way to happiness in the end.
